I don't want to tell you, or anyone, how long it took me to find "new Post" at the top of the site, if that's the right word...I'm ill equipped to describe what I do at my computer, but let me say I am always ...well, not always, always is too big of a committment - glad I even have one.

A computer, that is.

Nattering Chatter inspired me to do this blog thing and I always feel like I'm a part of the world or that the world is a part of my being - when I log in and add something about my life. I am amazed that I am even doing this. I try to write in a journal by hand daily; the daily morning pages, but they turn into this blog lately...well, so?

I finished my "so you want to be a medium' class; along with a few others and on that last session, I did have an amazing experience. and I got the message from Spirit, that I have a spirit guide who wants to help me write. Contact must be made. okay, I say.

I thought immediatley, it's a male guide. But, as I was meditating yesterday, I or someone reminded me of Saraswati, the Goddess of the arts, the intellect, the creative ventures- the books, music, etc. I shall have a place for her in my purple room, too.

Actually, I know this isn't 'writing', it's not finsihed, polished, correct, and nontheless, my fingers and my heart connect and show up again.

My greatest enemy is chocolate lately; and maybe not chocolate, but, something in chocolate. I am a minor epileptic - not age wise, but in severity of the seizures, which I have not had for -about the last 10 years...and before that, only when I had sugar, caffeine, stress over the top. I got off the Tegratol that I was prescribed at age 24 or so, and took for a short time- maybe 5 years. I got off it after I didn't drink or smoke - changed my diet through the study of macrobiotics, and then, I was able to get off the medication without seizures occuring. Years later, I started doing a headstand, and a shoulder stand daily; and was told that shoulder stand was good for epilepsy. Wonder of wonders, these siezures have stayed away, despite getting into caffeine and sugar occasionally.

So, for me, the siezures helped me stay away from foods that I get addicted to and take me 'down'- I last about 3 weeks eating or digesting caffeine and then, something breaks in me; this time, it was my lower back. a new manifestation of 'STOP'.

I got into caffiene and a new healthy chocolate which I knew wouldn't be my thing but I did...I DID. Again I fell for the 'wonder' drug syndrome; ah, this will fix me, this will change my life, this will..............screw me up sooner or later and thank GOD, it comes as soon as it does.

I took an Advil today; and that's not something I do. I got acupuncture yesterday, I've been working with my kinisiologist and another chiro I love- and the pain persists and increases, BUT, I'm off the substances I do not handle; I am allergic to...and for that, my MIND is clearer...

my THINKING is what can be clouded and take me somewhere I KNOW I cannot go, but I went again.

And I feel better being 'back' - I can feel ME; but, I admit, the high from the things I have to avoid, give me a social jolt forward into the limelight of being social beyond my character; of smiling more, of smiling in the face of not wanting to- just happy for no reason on caffeine- and supposedly social and coping socially. I am a social misfit, but, so is everyone.

Let me accept myself, let me surrender myself, let me chant and meditate and be KIND without the drugs.

I say I am a work in progress and it's true, and it's okay today.